Sliced Bread: by Jacolby

Sliced Bread

There are a lot of figures of speech in the world that quite frankly don’t add up, or need to be updated to make sense in today’s modern world. One of the most common phrases that I hear and get confused or angry about is when somebody says that something is the best invention or technology or whatever since sliced bread. I get that people in the past weren’t the brightest, but was slicing bread that hard? Damn, just rip the damn loaf like it’s medieval times. I know, that makes sandwich making a bit tougher, but you’re already not coordinated enough to slice bread, so how the hell are you gonna be able to make a decent sandwich anyway? You probably put the mustard around the crust on your pastrami sandwiches at that point and get it all over yourself. Anyways, In case anyone else was curious when the hell sliced bread was invented… Google says 1928 the first loaf-at-a-time slicer was created, which means that people who say this ridiculous ass expression think pre-sliced bread is a better invention than: SmartPhones, Televisions, Electric Calculators, Computers, The Internet, Amazon Prime, The Video Camera and the Camcorder, Carbon Dating, Animal Cloning, CDs, Latex Condoms, Credit Cards, Defibrillators, Smoke Detectors, Disposable Diapers, DVDs, DNA and Forensic Science, Jet Engines, Electric Guitars, In Vitro Fertilization, Kevlar Vests, Lasers, Microwaves, Electron Microscopes, The Board Game Monopoly, Pacemakers, Ballpoint Pens, Copy Machines, Instant Photography, Vinyl Records, Scuba Gear, Putting Satellites Into Earth’s Orbit, Skateboards, or Stereos.

To anyone who feels that way, you need to explain yourself. I could and would make a case for each and any of those things being better and/or more impactful in people’s lives in a positive and meaningful way than sliced bread could ever be. I liked my bread sliced, I can do it myself if I really had to. I feel like that has to be some kind of marketing brainwashing campaign from the 30s. I would say subliminal advertising, but there wasn’t television yet, so again, my point is reiterated that numerous better things than sliced bread have been invented in the 90 years since Otto Frederick Rohwedder of Davenport, Iowa invented the machine. I feel like if y’all really love sliced bread that much you should at least say the damn man’s name. He’s the only reason you aren’t eating bread in chunks like Aladdin. Personally, I think the best course of action would be to update the expression for modern times. You could describe new discoveries that you’re particularly fond of as “the best thing since A Scary Place To Be.” That’s certainly better than sliced bread, and I haven’t found anything better since. I feel like society will be on the hunt for that for a looooong time. Anyways, look for more blogs in the future where I take apart figures of speech, but in the meantime, just listen to the podcast episodes on repeat, leave a 5 star rating and a review, or comment on this blog with what you think the expression should be. Or all three, that would be ideal.

Jacolby

P.S. Sliced bread was invented the same year as audiotape… how did that get more fanfare?

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