Snow Day: by Jacolby

I write this as I sit in my house, snowed in for the day because I live in a place where that occasionally happens. Which made me think: why does anybody live in places like New Jersey where it gets cold as hell in the winter time, when they could have gone to Florida or Arizona or something like that? Then I thought about the people who live in the Wisconsin or some other places in the middle of America that have significantly colder climates than what I deal with here. I have sources in the Midwest who tell me that summer in Minnesota consists of people playing pond hockey in their shorts and tank tops, calling everybody who wears long sleeves shoobies (or worse). Why would anyone subject themselves to that, or more importantly, why would they allow their kids to grow up in that? It can’t be good for humans to experience -12 degree days every day for three months, either physically or mentally. You often hear about people from the Midwest being incredibly nice, which makes sense, since I am pretty sure the entire region is essentially the Wild West with a snowy setting for the entirety of winter. You better be nice to everybody that you meet, because they are packing multiple straps, and the law enforcement agencies aren’t going to find your body until the snow melts in the spring which will clean the DNA evidence off of you. Would you be talking shit? Don’t act like a tough guy, you would smile and be friendly to everyone too. But let’s get back onto my original topic. Why do people live in these places?

Their ancestors must have decided it was a good idea for their own survival, but we live in a world now with Google and other things that might let you see what you are missing. I really want to show a picture of Miami to somebody from Northern Canada. I am curious if they know it exists or not. Because who would choose to live in that kind of cold if they knew there were other possible options? They might start sweating just thinking about the thermometer reading 85 degrees. Who would rather be trudging through snow to get anywhere than living in a place with a reasonable climate? Not I, certainly, as somebody who deals with snow a few times a year. People from Florida wouldn’t even be able to comprehend how shitty it is to have to shovel your driveway out JUST so you can then leave and drive yourself to work a full day. Telling somebody from the South about the snow they get in the Midwest or anywhere else that actually gets snow goes totally over their heads because they think the one or two inches they get every twenty years is a lot when they see it. Saying three feet of snow doesn’t mean much to them, since the inch of snow they got once in 1976 probably shut their city down just the same. Florida weather is so warm that I am almost excited for the mandatory move that according to Jerry Seinfeld, every person born in the Northeast makes when they turn 60.

You know what might be even crazier than people living in any of these cold ass places in 2018? People living in any of those same cold ass places or any of the many ridiculously hot places on earth before heating or air conditioning was invented. People were literally living in clay huts called pueblos in the Southwestern US, the fucking desert, as early as 100 AD (Wikipedia). I am not usually one to believe the popular narrative that kids today are soft, but holy shit, those people were tough as hell.

I still think I could beat anyone alive at that time up, because they would have been like 4’7” and 140 pounds with terrible cardiovascular conditioning and general nutrition. Plus, if I gave them one cut, they wouldn’t have the medicine to heal themselves and they might die from just that. But seriously, they were so tough. They were sweating their balls off for hundreds of years CONSECUTIVELY, at least from the year 100 until after 1902 when Willis Carrier invented the first air conditioner. Generations of people lived and died without ever stopping sweating, and that is something I will never be able to add to my own resume of badassery. People were living in Northern Canada or other frozen tundra type places when there was no heat except fireplaces, which they had to light up with two sticks until matches or lighters were invented in the 1800s. I feel the same way about people in those days whether they lived in the tundra or in the desert: I have immense respect for their toughness, but still could have beaten any of them up if it really came down to it. Anyways, I still love where I live, just not when it snows. Fuck being anywhere at any time when it is snowing outside. But at least the snow day gave me some extra time to create some content for you, my loyal legion of fans who depend on me (and tolerate Jamike) for content to enjoy.


P.S. I didn’t really answer my question about why people live in places like that, but my mind started to wander, so I just let it go where it took me

P.P.S. You could beat up anyone from the year 100 too, unless your name is JamikeFE.

Editor’s Note (Jamike): Jacolby is a huge wuss for complaining about the snow … which might literally be the greatest substance known to man. But I digress ….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *